Some times life is shit!
This is my life right now, this is my Annus horibilis.
About a year ago, my amazing Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. this literally threw our lives into chaos. The feeling you get is indescribable, the fear, the sadness, the anger and the endless crying, screaming, why him, why us, why now?
He was just 67 years old when he got his diagnosis, and he was so incredibly brave, he just accepted it, well I guess he had no choice did he? As the months went on, he grew weaker, the cancer did it’s evil and not only destroyed his strong body, but began to eat away at his wonderful personality. He began to feel fear, he stopped thinking ahead and to save him from more pain, we stopped talking about the future. I felt like a child, I was losing my daddy, the giant man who would lift me with one arm onto his lap and sing to me, the healer that could stop my childhood ear pain with one giant, warm hand, the protector who always had my back, and my best friend, the one who shared my views, values and beliefs.
He fought so damn hard, and lived longer than anyone said he would.
In August this year, he could fight no longer, he passed at home with my Amazing Mumma at his side, as was his wish… There are no words to describe the loss I felt, the empty hole inside me that I will never fill, he was my everything.
The weeks that followed were consumed with trying to find our new ‘normal’, I hated how fast time was moving me away from him.
As the day of his funeral approached, we were dealt another blow, my Dads older brother also passed away!
The family was devastated for a second time.
My Dads funeral was personal & full of love, and somehow my uncles family found the strength and courage to be there for us, as did my aunt who had now lost both of her brothers, they will never know how much it meant for us to have them there, the support from my aunt and cousins has been immeasurable, and our family is closer than ever, just how Dad would want it.
And so we live, we go on, because we must.
We began moving forward, if a little tentatively. Waiting for the next awful thing to rear its head and reduce us to terrified children once again, and so it did.
Just this week our beautiful Dog Barney had to be put to sleep.
Our beloved boy, our English Springer spaniel, was only 9. He was my baby boy, always so full of love, and asking so little in return. He had an illness that couldn’t be diagnosed or treated and just like my Dad, he faded in to a weak, tiny little creature, with the saddest eyes. He has a piece of my broken heart always.
Again we find ourselves floored. How is this happening to us? My heart is shattered into a million pieces, I’ve been questioning why? what did we ever do wrong? crying out for the pain to stop, but it doesn’t stop, it keeps coming in enormous, devastating waves. I wake up, and for a second I forget, everything feels normal, and then I remember, the sadness flows through me and it hurts… like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of me, leaving me unable to breathe.
But again we go on..
I don’t know what my future looks like, i’m different now, I used to be so loving, so accepting, so giving – and now, i’m broken, angry and in pain! I will not heal from this and I don’t want to, I want to remember that with each agonising memory of what I lost, I am reminded of how deeply I loved them and they loved me, to learn that the pain will never go away, but serve as a reminder of how wonderful they were, the lessons they taught me and the joy they brought to my life, I will always hold that pain inside me, I will wear it proudly on my sleeve for all to see.
My children and family are helping me to move forward, to understand that, though I have suffered loss, there is so so much in this life to be thankful for, that each day is precious and must be lived to the fullest, when you have seen someone nearing their end, and the only thing they wish for is time, it drums into you that wasting yours is not an option, that you must savour each second as they would.
Thank you so much for reading this, it is, by far, the most difficult and raw post I have ever written.
Please hold your family close, call your parents and siblings, and tell them you love them.
The trouble is, you think you have time.